Post IV- Facebook Ads

The Facebook, and other Internet LULZ
This is part one of a long term series exploring different aspects of the world's largest social networking site

Facebook- one of the things that that you love and hate at the same time. For every great gem of knowledge learned through this site, is 5 status updates from somebody who makes a lot of sandwiches in the same day. That's a topic for another day, but this article is going to take a quick glance at one of it's core sources of revenue- advertising.

I'm confident most Internet users notice how the "smart" ads have progressed over the years to reflect recent search queries, websites visited, and ads reflecting information in their profiles and browser cookies. These can be comical when very off-base, but most of the time work fairly well. Search for a new car, expect to see Toyota Corolla ads in your sidebar. Have your relationship status set to 'single', expect to see more dating website banners.

In the past few weeks, I have taken a more critical eye to what appears next to these sandwich posts. What I have previously dismissed as random, filler ads are promoting dangerous and curious behavior. The Apprisal (at this point in time) simply does not have the resources to peek behind the curtain at the grand scheme of things, but what you see below will raise questions of your own and at the least will be alarming.

Side note: A recent article on every body's favorite coupon site Groupon highlighted the quick expansion of their site. It's quick growth has surpassed Facebook's during the same time frame.

Example A: Ferrari Enzo

This is an actual ad that appeared on my facebook page. Based on it's contents, they concluded that

A. I like to pay little for car insurance (Correct!)
B. I am insanely rich (False!)
C. I drive something similar to a limited production, custom painted pink Ferrari Enzo (False!)
D. I can somehow insure a limited-production super car for $36/month even though 18-25 year old males are in the highest risk demographic for car insurance (Probably False!)

For someone unfamiliar with the Ferrari Enzo, it is a car of such limited run that although retailing for over $600K in 2002, money alone would not ensure you received a V12 super car with a carbon fiber body. You would have to be on a special list, mostly consisting of previous owners of other "top end" Ferrari's. Companies whom release products named after their founders (I.E. IBM Watson) usually try to put out a pretty good product. For this reason, this car cannot be had for less then typically $1 million USD.
Usually, a lot of decisions in life are governed by red flags. For example, if someone was inviting you into their unmarked white van with bloody hand prints on the outside.

Let's say you have the super car. Let's say you weren't satisfied with the factory paint job they did on the carbon fiber shell, and you had it painted something classy such as Kawasaki Ninja lime-green or Susan B. Komen pink. Let's even assume you are insuring this whip for over $40 a month. Well, did you know Jim Beam is now on facebook? That's right, not only are you paying too much to insure your 650 hp car-jet hybrid, but don't forget what your favorite whiskey is when you go for a little spin through the school zone.

Example B: Please Say the Baby



Criminals- They need to be locked up. Law Enforcement- They need people to lock up these criminals. That's where my-law-enforcement-degrees.info comes in. In as little as 18 months, you could be strapping up, kicking down doors, and arresting multi-platinum, Grammy winning artist Lil' Wayne. I'm not sure advertising the FBI and locking up a popular African-American artist is racist, but I have a hunch. At least pick somebody who isn't a celebrity. I'm sure you could find somebody with face-tats off that show Las Vegas Jailhouse on Tru-Tv or whichever channel they air it on. "CHAIR! CHAIR! CHAIR! CHAIR!"

My main problem with this ad, however, is inferring it is easy to lock up Lil' Wayne. He is very adamant that he is an alien, talks about guns and drugs constantly, and looks very scrappy and wiry. Let's just say I'm not kicking down his door anytime soon. If they throw up a picture of Bow Wow or Justin Bieber, they might be on to something. YOUNG MOOOLLAAAA BABY.

Bonus Round

This advertisement did not appear on Facebook, however I had to comment on it. This image is most certainly ripped from some unsuspecting person's facebook page. Should have set the 09-Winter Office Party album to private. Mortgage rates under 3.15%? Break out the Jagermiester and the LMFAO.

Side Note: Anytime I read "you probably qualify" my inner monologue read's "you probably don't qualify"

Thanks for reading, and please share on Facebook or however you send your peeps links.

It is worth noting that today is the last day to vote in the poll, so please do so! Also, a new poll will be up sometime this week.

Post III-I Gotta have my Taste

"Of course, I mean you know, I gotta have my taste, too"- Avon Barksdale
This quote is from the Television show The Wire, where Avon is explaining to another person that he needs a piece of the pie. Don't worry, we will have plenty of time to talk about The Wire, why The Wire is one of the best shows of all time, etc. etc. etc. The Apprisal is going to blast that topic into "hyperspace" in the near future. "Hyperspace" is a phrase i saw used by Michio Kaku recently, I have no idea what it means but it sounds epic. Oh by the way, without ruining the plot Avon Barksdale is a drug dealer.

This idea that you provide a service, get compensated for said service, is what a large percentage of what our country is founded upon. It's called commerce. Once upon a time, this idea went off the rails like that train in the new Denzel movie (haven't seen it), and I would like to go back in time and try to stop it from happening. Like when the robots tried to kill John Connor in Terminator 1. Although those future robots were hell bent on destroying humanity, at least they had their priorities straight.

Side Note: I don't think that there is a self-fulfilling prophecy BIGGER than:
Humans create super intelligent robots.
Robots become autonomous.
1,000 year robot vs. human war.

I didn't need this money, here you go!
A lot of people in this society get compensated for doing little to nothing. I am under the impression that if I walk into a dealership, buy a new car, I don't throw 18% on top of the purchase price and say "Hey thanks for not driving that 2011 Hyundai Elantra straight through the dealership wall into that group of Tiburons until the accident sensor disabled the engine."

A famous argument against tipping is in the first few minutes of the movie "Reservoir Dogs"

Steve Buscemi's character highlights the contradiction in society. People work just as hard if not harder for similar jobs, but society deems them not tip worthy. If you don't tip where it is expected, you come off looking cheap. What a genius who proliferated this concept. If a company could duplicate this today I could not find the words to describe how insane it would be. Could you imagine going into the Apple Store and having to sign on a receipt with a gratuity line? They charge a premium for their product, but so do other businesses we tip everyday. Thanks for not using my boxed iPod as a hacky sack in the backroom on your lunch break!

Automatic Gratuity

I don't understand this at all. What do you think is harder serving, one group of 6 people? Or 3 groups of 2 people? It's not like they split the bill up the majority of the time anyways.

Always Tip Your Bartender!

I don't have a proposed solution for completely changing a societal problem, but i think I have a jumping off point- the bar. I am sure if you are reading this, you have heard some iteration of "Always Tip your bartender!" I have a new phrase "Almost never tip your bartender". Rolls off the tongue real nice, like house whiskey. Why do people tip the bartender? To appease them like some kind of demi-god. Instead of sacrificing human life or an infantile goat to ensure good crops, it's in a feeble attempt to get a little extra splash of poison in our drink of choice so it doesn't taste like watered down Coca-Cola.

Here are 2 great methods for avoiding this:

1. Drink Beer. They can still charge $3 for a bottle, but they can't water it down! Nothing is better than some career bartender reaching in a cooler 3-1/2 steps away, popping the top and setting it in front of you 4 seconds later, and giving you extra "ones" in your $17 in change. Like I'm going to look down and say "Wow, I am not only unable to count all these, but there is no way these are all going to fit in my wallet! Excuse me bar keep? Would you have a use for these?"

2. I am very proud of this next method- The goldfish tip. Have you ever sprinkled a little fish food into the tank and seen what happens? the fish go crazy. From there on out, all you have to do is wave you hand above the water and the fish are eager to please. Tip your bartender a small amount on your first drink. From there on out, zilch. Like the goldfish they are feverish with anticipation, and like the goldfish bartenders have bad memories (working at nighttime and sleeping during the day cannot be good for the body or mind).

If they don't get compensated fairly at a place that clears about 80-90% on everything they sell, that's between them and their employer. Serving drinks that are most commonly composed of ice, Liquid X shot out of a mixer gun, and some alcohol Y, doesn't sound too complicated. I have a Muscle Milk shake on the regular, which involves milk, protein powder, a blender, and I like to pour it into a glass with a little bit of ice. I don't consider this skilled, laborious, and don't look around my apartment confused yelling "Help! Help!!!!"

Side Note: Isn't it weird how anytime you have a drink that involves ice at home, you might throw a few cubes in it. As soon as you leave your house, it's some kind of ice festival. I wonder if people in the service industry are aware that ice floats in most liquids? "Oh, whiskey cola? no problem! Let me just grab this 10 oz. tumbler, scoop it overflowing with ice, and smash the top of it with this ice scoop to make sure there isn't room for actual drink in here! Here's your $6 in change, all in one's."

Moral of the Story

I think it's ironic I used to work at a place that had it written that employees were forced to refuse tips, in an industry that we weren't expected to get tips. Which means, the two times a year we were offered a tip for going "above and beyond", we probably did deserve it, and we could technically face reprimands if we accepted. Instead, we have a workforce of mostly unskilled laborers that dump out this magical barrel of free money at the end of their shifts. Just remember, the next time some bellhop etc. wants his/her palm greased, you better do it. You don't want to look cheap!

Sharing Is Caring!
Every week, I will try pass along a few interesting articles, etc. I stumble upon. Because The Apprisal cares about you, the reader.

Interesting article on the legality of Automatic Gratuity

This also highlights one of the more frustrating aspects of law, "open to interpretation"

Starbucks people trying to get their taste

Fred Armisen on the Adam Carolla Show (Podcast)

From SNL and Portlandia fame, he swings by to talk in depth about Doctor Drew, and not surprisingly Portland

Integrity Spirits

This is the brand of the alcohols distilled at Green Dragon, one of the Zwickelmania spots we stopped at on Saturday

Post II- Zwickelmania- There Will Be Beer

On Saturday, February 19th, I got to enjoy one of the finer aspects of Portland- the beer. Zwickelmania is a state-wide event organized by the Oregon Brewers Guild, where the participating brewers throw open the doors to the back room and offer tasters of some of their featured products. While The Apprisal strives to provide unbiased reviews and information to the valued reader, There wasn't much to complain about this fairly well organized and fun event. This is due in part to a GOLDEN RULE- it's hard to complain about anything when free beer is involved. Unless, for example, someone gives you a free beer by throwing it through your car windshield.




An awesome weather day in Portland

Zwickel-whaaat?

A Zwickel refers to the spout on the large tanks used by brewers to sample the beer batch prior to bottling. Hence, the name of the event. I was thoroughly blown away about many aspects of this joyous, beer-filled day. The aforementioned Oregon Brewers Guild simply to say, just laid down probably the best beer event in Portland- which is saying something. Only now in it's 3rd year, this event is staged to become the PREMIER beer event in Oregon and gain more notoriety around the country. Similar large scale beer-oriented festivals- such as the Oregon Brew Fest, International BeerFest, etc. offer an average, impersonal experience in comparison. While offering some unique opportunities to taste beers (especially at the International), these events are commercialized, resulting in overcrowding, lengthy wait times, and are pricey. With 28 participating breweries in Portland metro, you can make follow their suggested routes or design your own tour. Zwickelmania offers a great day in Portland, beer tasting aside. Did I mention everything was free? Free shuttle, free tasters, and HUB went big and gave everyone a free pint glass! This event truly is about the beer, not making money hand over fist in a carnival atmosphere on the water front.

Suggestions

If eyeing to take advantage of Zwickelmania next year, consider planning the route in advance. Wear comfortable walking attire. Our day consisted of about 3-4 miles total walking. Bringing a backpack is advised (When we were presented the pint glasses, we luckily were able to slam them into one backpack). Also, many of these places have food offerings but will be quite busy due to the increased foot traffic. Electing to stop at a non-brewery or packing something for sustenance are great options as well. Realistically, you will only be able to get to a portion of the 28, so select wisely where you want to go. As a recreational biker (this is Portland, after all), this event is built for biking and I will probably elect to pedal power around next year's event.

The Journey
Being a proud resident of Southeast Portland (Stand up!), myself and 7 other friends founds ourselves traipsing through this part of town for most of our journey. No one in our group I would call "Beer Connoisseurs", but definitely the majority are big beer fans. Despite our large group size in ratio to shuttle size (8 in our group, vs. the approx. 16 it seats), we were able to fit onto the shuttle the one ride we did take. This event is definitely for anybody over the legal drinking age, and most people seemed to be over 30. As you can see from the picture, it was a beautiful February day in Portland, especially considering we had rain the day before and after. It was surely a sign the gods wanted us to enjoy our beer bathed in beautiful sunlight.

Hopworks Urban Brewery (HUB)

I have a confession to make- I have yet to visit Hopworks, despite living 1/4 mile walk away. This was our 1st destination, due to proximity and shuttle schedule. We were planning to ride the shuttle around to a lot, and arrived to coordinate with it's arrival time. We arrived to a mini-beer garden setup with two beers flowing on tap, a walking tour sign-up sheet, and were bestowed with a pint glass and tickets for tasting. With the lighting up the backside of the building where we were standing, it was at this point that I realized today was going to be awesome. Our plan was to finished at Hopworks, take the tour and taste some of the offerings only available through that method. With this, we set-off on the small shuttle to inner-SE.







Green Dragon

With Green Dragon, which no one in our group had visited before, I didn't know what to expect. We found ourselves in a side room to their main entry where they were sampling hard alcohols. Whoa! Chamomile and hazelnut vodkas, and Trillium Absinthe. I elected to not sample the vodka's, but couldn't resist the Absinthe. It smelled and tasted like black licorice, and with that we went inside their actual business. It had a nice atmosphere, but did not try any of their offerings. Although no beer samples, they seemed to have some unique ones on tap. We hopped across the street to Cascade, and were planning to make it back in time for the shuttle.








Cascade Barrel House

Cascade from what I hear is a fairly new place, and apparently many others had heard this as well. It was pretty packed, but were still able to try all three of their offerings, check out their cooler, in a very reasonable amount of time. With Cascade, it definitely wasn't just hype, as they had 3 sour mash offerings straight out of the barrel (un-carbonated). They had complex names I did not remember (maybe the .2 oz of Absinthe), but basically one was a honey rye, a "spiced" variety in a barrel previously used for bourbon, and the last was raspberry. They were all delicious and very unique. "Sour" may scare some away, but it was a little tart, and somewhat fruity. The Apprisal shall hath not print half-truths. We crossed back over Belmont to Green Dragon to find the shuttle had already left. We decided to take the small jaunt down to Hair of the Dog. At this point, the last traditional beer I had was back at HUB!

Hair of the Dog

We arrived at Hair of the Dog to find it nestled in a very multi use zoned area, and quickly grabbed some seating and made our way into their back room. We were disappointed to find out they didn't start serving food till 2p.m. as many in our group were starting to crave some food to go with the drink. However, the IPA they served was right up my alley. Not overly hopped, as with some IPA's. We departed, crossed over the Willamette and headed a little less than a mile to our next location.

Rock Bottom Brewery

I was a little skeptical of Rock Bottom's participation, as they are a national chain. They however, had a great three beer selection, including a pale ale straight from the tank, pre-carbonation. We had a great time talking to the brewer handling the sampling, and was very accessible. Despite being around lunch time and having a lot of people in the restaurant, not many took advantage of their Zwickelmania participation. This will probably change as this event grows and gains more traction. We enjoyed lunch, actually drank some full size beers, and rested the feet for a minute.

Full Sail

Hidden away is the most secluded brewery of our stop, Full Sail. This satellite location is in the south waterfront area, which features a lot of high-rise and new development. They had two beers on tap, and offered some chocolate to complement the beer (as did most other breweries). I have always enjoyed their beers, and most of their offerings have a nice crisp finish. As the event wrapped up, we took cabs back to our side of town.

Review

For a beer and/or Portland fan, this is a must-do. The vast amount of participation and access was a great experience. There is some room for improvement, such as better route communication and capacity. I can see this improving as this event grows momentum and experience. Another thing is timing, expanded hours would be nice and will probably be necessary to handle the increased interest in this event. I recommend starting as soon as possible, and brushing up on your beer knowledge beforehand. Oh, and keep yourself together, nobody likes dealing with a drunk at 2 p.m. 

  

Post I - Inaugural Address

The Apprisal
Hear ye, Hear ye. Upon this day it is decreed and declared and set forth with much ado that this is the inaugural posting of The Apprisal. It is a joyous day indeed. What does the Apprisal smell like? Cannon smoke and British Tea dumped in thee Boston Harbour. What does the Apprisal sound like? Freedom ringing over nigh, and endless fields of wheat rustling in the wind.

I didn't catch anything you just said, what are you talking about?
The Apprisal is an online paper that will highlight different topics in a bi-weekly format. Discussion and feedback are welcomed. Topics may include current events, arts & media, opinion pieces, as well as comprehensive delving in a focused article. Any journalism conducted will be hard-hitting in nature. No exceptions.

That sounds great, How can I follow The Apprisal?
The easiest way to follow is to "Like" the Facebook fan page, which will alert you to news postings IN REAL TIME and as well as other important happenings in The Apprisal world. If you have a Google account, you can click "follow" to the right of your screen. If this sounds like some pretty heavy commitment, you can check back approximately every Monday/ Thursday as we will try to stick that schedule.

Why is The Apprisal called "The Apprisal"?
How you phrased that question is very redundant, but we will answer it anyways. In a search for a befitting name such that to accurately represent this paper, many resources were exhausted, namely time. Oh father time, if only we could be put in protective custody of the state. Many names were considered, and disqualification was due mainly on one of two accounts:

1. The web address was spoken for, however the newest post was pre-2005

2. The web address was spoken for, however did not contain any posts

Apprisal is English for "to inform with words". What an apt title for a paper poised to have a lot of information, a lot of words, and therefore the grand ability to inform with words.
And so you see, The Apprisal was born, and born along with also the discretion to italicize "The Apprisal" whenever seen fit.


What Now?
Stayed tuned, check back regularly, and vote in the 1st poll of many: "1st Topic of March". Once upon a time a person muttered "beware the Ides of March" I don't really remember the moral of the story, just that Julius Caesar got stabbed 23 times. Beware indeed.

Thanks for reading!