Salads- a staple of any dieting plan. Salads can be very healthy to eat if you make them yourself and aren't a Ranch dressing cultist. However, 99% of the time they are not. Here's a hint: if you throw a bunch of thick Ranch dressing and bacon bits on something, it is no longer a healthy menu item. Such is the case with restaurant "entree" salads. They come out on a 14" diameter plate and frequently top 1,000 calories such as Ruby Tuesday's Carolina Chicken Salad (1,300 calories).
Iceberg
If iceberg wasn't as crunchy as it is, this crop would be non-existent. The fact that we apply 1,000's of ways to get this flavor-less, nutrient-less product into as many items as possible is disturbing. It is green, shredded filler. I used the word "green" loosely, it is more like a see-through membrane then an actual color. Yet, it is far and away the #1 lettuce we consume in America. And here is the reason: a head of lettuce is about $1.10. If you shred it up, you can fill a shopping cart.
nom nom nom nom nom
My favorite thing to see at restaurants is the "iceberg wedge" salad. Oh, how exotic. Let's take a head of lettuce, and instead of actually shredding it, let's just hack it up into sixths with a butcher's knife. Then douse it with blue cheese dressing, bacon, tomatoes, etc.
Side Note: Iceberg's best friend is the almost equally nutrient-vapid celery!
Dressing
The only thing less healthy then iceberg is the dressing we drench our salads with. I don't know about you, but i don't make a turkey sandwich, pour 6 oz. of mayo on a plate and run it on every square inch of the bread like a psycho. Dressings are primarily made of : oil, water, and sugar.
Common Ingredients In Salad
Filler aka Iceberg
toasted and seasoned white bread
bacon
eggs
steak
chicken strips
smoked salmon
salami
tortilla chips
blue cheese
hard cheeses (cheddar, Parmesan, etc.)
black olives
walnuts, almonds, etc.
un-ripe, watery tomatoes
celery
2 slices of cucumber
.15 ounces of carrot
.20 ounces of red cabbage
Side Note: Radishes are omitted from the toppings list is because they do not taste good, and any appearance in a salad is probably a mistake. I hypothesize they are left on the kitchen counter from a different dish and get wrapped into everything in similar fashion to these games:
Designer Salads
You can't be a self respecting restaurant and not have a unique or quirky salad on the menu. Lazier places will just through dried cranberries in everything. I wish it stopped there. Instead, you are looking at a salad that resembles what a kindergarten class pulled up out of the field next to the baseball diamond. "I was wanting a salad, but i don't know how the mandarin oranges, beef tri-tip, rose petals, and dandelions are going to taste together". Watermelon is not a salad topping unless you are dehydrated in a desert. On the converse of this, i have no idea how anchovies got incorporated into Caesar dressing. Whatever the reason, it's delicious.
Conclusion
Although it may not sound like it, I love salads (healthy or otherwise). My problem is that people think they are eating something that is healthy but the opposite is true. People opting for the salad on their lunch break are trying to finish their work day with calories rendered from a watery oil mix and toppings, instead of an actual meal.
Dragon Time
Winning by a wide margin, The Apprisal readers wanted, nay, demanded several dragons photo shopped together. This is surely what they had in mind. In my search for dragon pictures, I stumbled upon several interesting sites to say the least. Feel free to use this image as your desktop background at home, work, etc. Or get it screen printed onto a t-shirt to send your lil guy or gal to 1st grade class in style. We can figure out royalties at a later time.
On The Road
The creative writing team of 1 is traveling to Chicago this upcoming Sunday, so not sure if a post will be up on Monday. If you have any great ideas about what to do in Chi-City, please leave them as a comment. Unfortunately, I don't know if I have time to hang out with Kanye West and Lupe Fiasco while I'm there. Apparently, Oprah also lives there. I would like to eat dinner at her house, I imagine it would be pretty spectacular.
Another Great American City
Detroit, which once upon the time was a halfway respectable city, is amidst some change. Several residents and people who don't even live in Michigan are trying to get a statue of Robocop built. Yes, that Robocop. This is amazingly awesome. It will be just as iconic as the "Rocky" statue in Philly. Many websites have articles about it, including someone living in California donating something in the range of 25-50k just for this statue. Detroit may need this statue (scientific fact), but not everyone may agree (crazy). I stumbled upon a website that some may consider a tad on the "conservative" side. In this article, they slam Robocop as being Anti-American and Anti-Christian. Obviously, the greatest threat to Christianity is dragons, as illustrated above. They are also critical of Slate.com writer Patrick Cassels:
"Sadly, this young Cassels fellow, who was not even born during Reagan’s days in office,"
I have to go back and read. the slate.com article, apparently. I didn't realize they were also proposing "and one Nation, under God" be changed to "and one Nation, under Robocop".
Here is a link to the slate.com article.
Disclaimer: If you read it, The Apprisal does not take any responsibility for you turning into a communist.
Sharing is Caring
Every week, The Apprisal will try to set your Internet table with the most succulent seasonal vegetables, ham, and goose links available.
CAPTCHArt- This is best described with an image. Hilarity ensues. Nothing is more frustrating then trying to type in captcha's that are so illegible that the human eye can't discern the letters for the made up words.
Two recent images:
Dragons in the Bible- This site is the source of the quote incorporated in the image. Very....interesting....website....
A hilarious video, highlighting Chicago's failed bid to host the 2016 Olympic games. Brought to you by Apprisal favorite, The Hood Internet
Daves of Thunder
I have been a little depressed as of late, due directly to the cancellation of one of my favorite podcasts, Daves of Thunder. The Daves were comprised of Dave Dameshek, a multi-talented radio personality who has his own show on nfl.com- The Shame Report, and Dave Sweeney, a career Hollywood writer who works on TV shows, such as According to Jim, Kimmel, etc. The main source of comedy for this show was their constant bickering, fighting about what they should do on the show, and making fun of each other's current and past projects. These became staples of the show as well as other vocabulary (especially show business vocab) the two Daves propagated. I was late to the Daves of Thunder podcast, (which they referred to as their 'passion project'), and quickly caught up to speed listening to past episodes up to 5 or 6 a week. Unfortunately, due to inconsistencies in recording, they were cancelled by Adam Carolla's podcast network. There has been quite a bit of backlash due to the #2 show getting cancelled, (Carolla's show being #1, and also the most listened to podcast on the Internet).
The Daves Divided
Among the bickering, Shek and Feeney make listeners pick a side in their dispute, The Shek Republic or Feensters Union. Usually, they pick Dameshek because they don't want to crush him and vocalize so. Shek listeners like the lists, etc. (as talked about below). Feeney likes to "crack wise" and "write pages".
Monkeys / BTL's
One of the running shticks on DOT was blatantly insulting their "audience", calling them uneducated, dirty apes, and BTL's. BTL is an abbreviation for "Below the Line", which is a show business term for everyone underneath the various directors, etc. that don't have any input in the final product. Dave Dameshek frequently would champion himself "a man of the people" to which Sweeney would bring up the car and house Dameshek owns in fashion similar to:
"Man of the people? No one in our audience drives an $80,000 Volvo. How much does NFL network pay you? It's got to be $700,000 for that bit you stole from Jeff Foxworthy. Does Foxworthy ever confront you about that?"
Feeney, atop Mt. Pious
Dameshek would frequently attack Sweeney over the fact that he had a harder time recording the show due to his busy "Hollywood" schedule. 'Shek would accuse Feeney of being on 'Mt. Pious', accusing him of thinking he was "above" everybody else and would re-establish himself as "a man of the people", and being there to keep the show going.
Sidekicks
The show was rarely done with guests, but almost always incorporated their Producer "Jacuzzi" Pete and Production assistant "Blaster Girl" Katie. Sometimes, they would talk and berate their PA/Intern Singleton/ Doubleton.
Blaster Girl
Blaster Girl's real name is Katie Lavine, and is in her mid to late 20's. She is a common target for berating from the Daves, and a recurring bit that she and Sweeney are secretly in love. This is a great source of humor for Sweeney, who talks about a dream that she appeared in with him, and says great one liners such as "Something about that average looking girl makes me go crazy". They constantly make fun of her large feet, her copious marijuana smoking, and try to hook her up with any male callers, even if they are in high school. They also complain about anytime she has to read, as she does it in a very boring and monotone fashion. She works on several other podcasts at Ace Network. Also simply known as "BG"
Audio of Jacuzzi Pete doing a Hilarious Christian Bale impersonation
Jacuzzi Pete
Jacuzzi Pete is named such as it's a running bit that he spends all his free time in his Jacuzzi. JP, once overweight but still a little portly, he is regularly ridiculed as well on the podcast about his weight, etc. In an especially infamous episode, the Daves forced him to walk out on the show, only to return two weeks later. The Daves compared him to an elephant, and how his wife needs to wash him by tarping off the bathroom, spraying him with a zoo nozzle, and using rags on sticks to clean him. In addition, Sweeney would occasionaly do a bit called "Jacuzzi's Thought's", claiming JP would send him emails about random topics and secrets to which he would act confused about or occasionally deny. One of the more vehemently denied thoughts was JP's admiration for the 9/11 hijackers, despite his love for America. Jacuzzi Pete has a rivalry with part time stand-in producer Mike Cioffi, refereed to on DOT as "Jacuzzi Cioffi". Cioffi would blatantly bribe the Daves with baked goods and talk about how much talent they have, to the chagrin of JP.
Running Bits and Vocabulary
These are a few of my favorite things the Daves would do:
Sweeney the Writer
Sweeney, a professional writer, would make fun of anyone doing things in his realm of expertise.
-Would make fun of Dameshek working on the show "Battlebots", and would make jokes about Dameshek writing jokes for robots.
-A high percentage of the time someone would make a joke, Sweeney would go "Ohhh, Blaster Girl's writing pages now!" which completely kills their joke in a hilarious fashion. The implication being the joke wasn't off the cuff, and instead was written beforehand.
"Gave me the high-hat"
A reference to the flopped joke 3 drum hit, ending in the high hat. Anytime someone disrespects you, they "give you the high-hat".
Dameshek- Old Timey Words
"Gangbusters"- An outdated word that appeared in an episode of "Mad Men", means "crazy". Would use it to refer to the podcasts popularity
Crooked/ Sideways- meaning drunk "We went out this weekend, and we got crooked. I mean we really got sideways!"
Standing Drinks- Buying drinks for people, aka standing at the bar
Man in the Mirror- A way to reference yourself
Lists
Dameshek would make lists that would annoy Feeney to no end. Anytime he would transition to the lists, Feeney would start belly aching about it. Damesheks list include :best condiment (Mustard), best free appetizer at restaurants (chips & salsa), etc. This is a main point in contention between the two Daves. Dameshek would claim it gave the audience something talk and vote on, while Sweeney would complain that it doesn't have anything to do with comedy. Ironically, the back and forth was the main point of the lists. In one episode, Dameshek goes on a vitriolic rant about his problems with the show, using movie speeches. He utilizes the Alec Balwin scene from Glenn Gary Glenn Ross, and replaces "The leads are no good?"with "The lists are no good?"
Star Wars- The Daves are big star wars fans, and make references to all the different movies. They end every show with the "Yub Nub" song, the song the Ewoks sing at the end of Return of the Jedi.
Listener Submissions
The Daves of Thunder Podcast was probably the largest recipient of listener content on Ace Broadcasting. They frequently put up songs (cover songs are a favorite of the show), and listener art depicting running jokes of the show. One of my favorite songs is made after JP walks out of the show. The song starts off longing for him to come back, and makes fun of JP for eating nachos and coconut cream pies.
A Post Daves of Thunder World
The Daves of Thunder Facebook Page is even more active now that the show is gone, with disgruntled listeners. Many blame one of the producers/program directors at Ace Broadcasting, but I can't blame them. The inconsistencies with the show came to head around Superbowl weekend, with the Daves not putting up a legitimate show in 3 weeks. Prior to that, they had recorded a show in Jacuzzi Pete's minivan just a few weeks prior (which was pretty hilarious). Although I would have loved if they kept the show on, I understand that it was a business decision. I just hope for a speedy return to the Internet airwaves, in a more consistent iteration. Many fans are hoping for Earwolf, home to the "Comedy Death-Ray Radio" show, and "How Did This Get Made?" with Paul Sheer, a show where they analyze bad movies.
The School System
You don't necessarily have to watch a documentary on how poorly teachers are paid, or take half your k-12 classes inside of alternating portable buildings and decrepit facilities to know the school system doesn't get a lot of money thrown at it. Still, i have learned quite a few useful things, in no particular order:
How to glue
Do pointless work
Interpret depressing books
'Sitting Endurance'
How to turn in work you aren't proud of
Deal with imbalanced people in their late 40's and 50's
How to Read, blah blah blah
What a marvelous time I had at school, however their biggest failing wasn't sending me into the world generally unprepared. This shortcoming is due to their own laziness and a general practice that started many years ago, and is very strange and inconsistent with their other policies. Don't like math? Too bad, here's 40 pages of arithmetic to practice. What I am referring to: not teaching me to be ambidextrous.
You Made Me Like This!
Maybe I have a different perspective of this "hot-button" ambidextrous issue because I am left handed. How lazy are the teachers who didn't teach me to use both hands equally. It is strange and peculiar. I'm sure they have some type of company-line defense along the lines of:
"You don't need to be ambidextrous" or
"It would take to long to teach"
I'm sure they saw me pick up a crayon 10 times, 6 times with my left hand and slotted me in the minority oppressed left handed group. Well, with my one usable hand, balled into a fist and thrust in the air, I say buck the system.
You know what takes a long time? Learning everything in reverse of how 89% of people do it. One of the creeds I live my life by is "Look out for yourself, because no one else is going to". You know how I know I have the capacity to learn things with both hands? Because after a certain age (about 12 years old) the majority of things I have learned, I have learned to do right handed.
Here's a little breakdown:
Things I do Left Handed "Naturally" (AKA Oppressed Left Handed): Write the English Language Draw Throw a baseball Kick a Soccer Ball Ride A Skateboard Boxing Swing a golf Club Swing a Baseball Bat
Things I do Right Handed (With the rest of the society) Play Guitar-More on this below Use a Computer Mouse Drive A Manual Transmission Car Play Video Games
Things I can do with both hands, overcoming the disabilities of my under-developed right hand Type on a Keyboard Text on my Cellphone Swing a Tennis Racket Dress Myself Lift Weights at the gym Choke Homeless People
This isn't a Waka Flocka Flame song, I would like to use both my hands. Imagine if I had to import a car from Europe to be able to shift gears with my left hand. That isn't much different from having to buy special scissors with "LEFTY" engraved into the blades. You might as well stick a gold star on me.
Playing Guitar
Steve Vai, doing his thing
During high school, I learned to play guitar and spent the majority of my time playing bass guitar. When I decided to play guitar, I decided to play it technically "right handed", which left handed people should do, because:
A. Like everything, it will be 100 times easier to find gear left handed, and
B. Your left hand is what you would use to fret, which the majority of the time is the tougher assignment. Picking strings is easier because you have a general "home" location for your right hand as a point of reference for picking (or in the case of bass, fingering) the 4,5,6,7 strings. Fretting becomes difficult as you have to contort your left hand in constantly variable scales, chords, etc. More on this below...again.
Playing Xbox
The xbox controller is designed for right handed people. The majority of the buttons to be used are located on the right hand of the controller. This has not been a hindrance for me in the least. How crazy! Same thing with the computer mouse. Teach me how to hold a #2 pencil? Your beyond our help, you scrawny kid.
The Left Handed Low-Down- This is one of the best Wikipedia Pages I have ever read. "Peoples of the Andes consider that left-handers possess special spiritual abilities, including magic and healing."
"Because the vast majority of the world population is right-handed, most everyday items are mass-produced for ease of use with the right hand. Tools, game equipment, musical instruments and other items must be specially ordered for left-handed use, if they are even produced."
-Thanks wikipedia, why don't you just say "EVERYTHING EVER MADE, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME."
Left Handed Culture
Every group has their heroes. Despite overtly complaining about having to use my left hand, I do generally like being associated with my left handed brethren. I would simply like the choice, such as someone being bilingual deciding when where to speak which language. I would like to have it be a preference, not a law. Maybe this reason of having to overcome adversity is the reason left-handed people are generally thought of as inventive, etc.?
Famous Left-Handers. I don't know if you have heard of.......
Julius Caesar Napoleon Bonaparte Alexander the Great Charlemagne Michelangelo Tolstoy Mark Twain Picasso Mozart Beethoven
Bach
Aristotle
Nietzsche
Thomas Jefferson
Albert "Please say the Baby" Einstein
Justin Bieber
Maybe this reason of having to overcome adversity is the reason left-handed people are generally thought of as inventive, etc.? I know what you are thinking- "I'm right handed and that's offensive and untrue". If only it was, wikipedia strikes again! BAM
"In his book Right-Hand, Left-Hand,[27] Chris McManus of University College London argues that the proportion of left-handers is increasing and left-handed people as a group have historically produced an above-average quota of high achievers. He says that left-handers' brains are structured differently in a way that increases their range of abilities, and the genes that determine left-handedness also govern development of the language centres of the brain."
It's all so clear to me now. It's so clear. The right-handed monarchy in this society decided to oppress the left handed people because of our propensity to be high-achievers, and our magic and healing powers. I'm sure books have been written about this, but the ink probably smeared beyond legibility.
Two Heroes of the Left
Throughout history, left handed people have paved ways for society as a whole (including the 89% dead weight). I want to honor two of them here, who decided to buck the system.
Hardcore Left:
I made a reference to ink smearing as you write normally for a left handed person, left to write. Not this guy. Da Vinci PROPPED A MIRROR NEXT TO HIS JOURNALS AND WROTE BACKWARDS. He did everything in these journals, such as literally, write grocery lists to draw war machines, and write down who owed him money. Lemme ask you this- you want to owe someone money who draws war machines on the next page from your name? #1 lefty in my book, getting it done!
Jimi Hendrix
Okay, I'm finally going to wrap this guitar thing up. Jimi Hendrix, one of the most innovative people on a 6-string was left handed. Although Clapton has the reputation and nickname of "lefty", Hendrix was more hardcore.
Hardcore Left
Look at the picture. If you have ever played guitar, you would notice the problem immediately. HENDRIX TAUGHT HIMSELF HOW TO PLAY GUITAR UPSIDE DOWN. He took a regular right-handed Stratocaster and flipped it upside down. Why 99.9% of people don't do this: Strings are on the guitar Strung from Low E at the Top, High E at the bottom. He had to re-string his guitar different from all other guitars, even left-handed guitars. On top of that, the controls are in direct interference with your strumming position. On guitars like the Fender, all the tuning nuts are on the bottom instead of the top as well. Jimi Hendrix, getting it done! He also had a band named Gypsy, Sun, and Rainbows. oh and Rolling Stone named him the #1 guitar player of all time.
Wow, this was a long blog. New Blog on Monday!
Da Vinci didn't play guitar, but Hendrix did. That's why he gets the video.
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This is one of the funniest things on the Internet
MUSIC
This is the 1st post about music for The Apprisal. Seeing as this is only the 6th post ever, you probably already knew that. Music is a very intriguing topic and learning about new artists is a very interesting process for me. I find that I personally, listen to music like I do a lot of other things such as drink beer. Sometimes I listen to a lot of music for hours, sometimes I only catch a little radio. I'll listen to several different artists and genres on the same CD, or I'll just listen exclusively to one artist. I find it weird how you have "cravings" for different songs. Personal Note: I haven't heard "Ice Ice Baby" in a long time, I need hit that up on YouTube.
On the other hand, I'm sure everyone has CD's from high school that they might as well throw in the recycling bin because A. you are never going to listen to them again, and B. they suck. I find I don't burn a lot of calories looking and searching for new artists, or at least as much as I used to. I find something I like, and I listen to it. I hate hearing about well-regarded artists/ bands and finding out they have 8 studio albums and another 3 live ones spanning 15 years, how do I delve into that? Besides, some of my favorite bands abandon their sound by the 4th album anyways.
A Guide to a Rock Career
Every band should model their career after Rage Against the Machine.
A. Have a clear vision of what you are going to do
B. Be musically proficient and genuinely innovative
C. Be good live
D. Make 3 Studio Albums, that although different, are still recognizable as the original artist
E. Make a cover album of your favorite songs
F. Hate each other forever and break up the band.
The Alternative
A. Get labeled "Selling Out" as your sound changes
B. Fade from popularity, try to "keep with the times".
C. Have rock career and personal life interfere (i.e. "Scott Weiland")
D. Putting out exhausted albums degrades your music as a whole, ruining your legacy.
Rage against the Machine can once in a while get together, and sell out a venue of any size. Bands that have overstayed their welcome play casinos. Small casinos. It's similar to sport athletes running out of gas but still suiting up. It truly is better to go out on top.
For this maiden music post, I've decided to highlight two artists- Someone I've been listening to for a very long time and someone I haven't. Also, to complicate matters, these aren't two of my "favorites" per say, but I decided to write about for some type of convoluted/arbitrary reason.
Cadence Weapon
Mr. Weapon is an artist I heard of from a great site, http://www.thehoodinternet.com/. The 'hood does mash ups of indie rock/rap/etc. and puts out a lot of great, free music. I was listening to one of their mix tapes for the 3rd or 4th time and finally looked up the rapper on one of my favorite parts of the mix. Cadence weapon is very lyrically oriented, and uses a lot of unconventional background beats/ ideas. A lot of it is good, some of it is bad. All of it is interesting. Hailing from, Edmonton, Canada he has some unique ideas and was invited to do some live poetry at the 2010 Winter Olympics. He has some interesting lyrics, such as talking about getting tattoos and wondering how the whole tattoo artist/ customer relationship is suppose to work, complexities and oddities of friendships, styles/fads, and non-ghetto Edmonton.
Some of my favorite Cadence Weapon Songs/Mash ups (that are readily available online)
I decided to write about Foreigner because I enjoy their music, and are infinitely better than a similar band that gets all the attention. That band is Journey. Journey are hacks compared to Foreigner. Everybody LOVES Journey because they have that "Don't Stop Believing" song that everyone LOVES to sing when they are plastered at dive-karaoke bars. Cadence Weapon is from Canada and raps about Canada. Journey is from Canada and sings about South Detroit. Journey has a few great songs such as "Lights" "Wheel in the Sky", and "Anyway You Want It". That's about it. I'm not a Journey "hater", but all that love should be shoveled onto Foreigner. In terms of 80's ballad-rock stuff, or whatever you want to call it, Foreigner is far superior.
Stack "I want to know what Love is" to "Don't Stop Believing". Foreigner's catalog is much deeper, and their lead singer sounds like he is actually, a man.
The Hottest Sax Solo. "Urgent" alone tops the majority of Journey's Catalog. Working at a grocery store, hearing a good song 3 times is a 40 hour work week, Urgent was a favorite of mine.
You say you aren't convinced? You say you love the Journey too much to show Foreigner their due respect?
Hot Blooded.
Jukebox Hero is "masterpiece" status
Break it up 1982
I know a lot of music is subjective, but clearly Foreigner rocks harder and stands up to the test of time better. I was going to make mention of the fact the 80's were a weird time musically, when the 80's were a weird time period. It's good to know some actual rock was being made. I don't have any specifics laid out, but I'm confident I'll end up blasting "The Eagles" sooner rather than later. In a music-oriented article or not. Happy Rockin'!
The People Have Spoken
In a rousing vote, the people have spoken. Recieving 50% of all votes cast, the people have demanded I address the topic of magic. Nevermind the fact that 4 total votes were to be had. I don't have time to discuss "poll validity" and "sampling". For this article, I will revisit one of the pillars our great Western society is built upon.
This is America
It wasn't a very long time ago that magic wasn't just primarily a source for authors to make money. Today, little kids dress up for halloween as little ghouls and zombies and wizards. But let us travel back in time to the 1600's, where that wasn't the case.
The scene is colonial Massachusetts. This is almost a 100 years prior to an event I referred to in The Apprisal's inaugural post, The Boston Tea Party. Or as I like to refer to it "That one time we made 40 Million Gallons of Lipton". Anywhooooos, back to the scene of colonial Massachusetts. It was the late 1600's, and brave settlers traveled 1,000's of miles to reach this new land to escape religious persecution. Their means were simple, and had to work the hard earth everyday. It was a hard life, and they slept on hard beds. They traveled on ships over hard seas and ate hard fruit for food. The human species has faced some astounding hardships and circumstances throughout the history of time. But it was about to get harder.
Witches
Witches. There were a bunch of witches.These witches were up to no good and displayed typical witch-like behaviour, doing such felonious criminal activity as:
Making People do things, such as crawling under furniture, making weird sounds, or having outbursts and being identified as the cause by girls under the age of 12
Being a Homeless Beggar
Re-Marrying because of Money
Reading Books about Witches
Voicing Skepticism about the Possibility of Witches
Wearing Black Clothing
It was with great urgency that the good, god-fearing people of Massachusetts organized and brought in these witches for examinations. These great people acted swiftly (as you should, in matters dealing with witches) and imprisoned all these magic-practitioners. From April til May alone in 1692, they were able to round up 62 people who practice arts of magica and praise their dark lord Satan (over 150 witches total). Some of these people died in jail, as I'm sure they were confused as what to feed witches. It is 2011, and I would not know what to feed a witch if confronted with that situation.
It was about this time a resident named Cotton Mather wrote a letter to one of the judges, which I will paraphrase/ reenact below as I envision it:
"Dear Judge John Richards:
What's up my main man. How is the Fam? We should grab a Samuel Adams equivalent sometime and kick it. I don't think we can order a Samuel Adams at our local tavern because the historical figure that is the beer's namesake has not been born yet.
I just want to say very legibly that I AM A BIG FAN OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH THIS WHOLE-WITCH TRIAL PROJECT. THERE ARE DEFINITELY WITCHES AND YOU GUYS ARE DOING A REALLY GREAT JOB. You guys are solid.
Maybe it's just me, but I just wanted to point out that a lot of evidence seems to be from peoples dreams and visions. I know I know, 'legal proceedings' was never really my thing. I just wanted to give a little constructive criticism and maybe we can hit these witches with some hard evidence? It just, you know, kind of seems like it would be easy to make something like this up. Anyways, catch you on the flip.
-The Cotton"
Luckily, they did not take Cotton Mather's advice. Due to a very streamlined and efficient judicial process, they were able to charge these witches with witch-crimes of different levels. 8 of the more serious witches were hung in harmony at the same time, others had various punishments. But usually hanging.
Giles Cory
Giles Cory, a soon to be convicted witch, decided to not enter a plea in the court. Well, as I talked about earlier, time is of the essence when dealing with witches. Sometimes if you are building something, you need something other than your Phillips-head screwdriver and a 10mm ratchet. You need to dig deep in the toolbox and pull out the right tool- in this case, it was "Peine forte et dure". This is the practice of restricting a person's limbs and stacking rocks on their chest until they enter a plea. Giles did not make it to trial. A fun fact- the most common method of execution by crushing in history doesn't involve rocks. It involves elephants. Oh Boy!
Witch Cake
Although testimony worked very well for indicting witches, they employed some science as well. I would probably classify this as "non-traditional"
"At some point in February 1692, likely between the time when the afflictions began but before specific names were mentioned, a neighbor of Rev. Parris, Mary Sibly (aunt of the afflicted Mary Walcott), instructed John Indian, one of the minister's slaves, to make a witch cake, using traditional English white magic to discover the identity of the witch who was afflicting the girls. The cake, made from rye meal and urine from the afflicted girls, was fed to a dog.
According to English folk understanding of how witches accomplished affliction, when the dog ate the cake, the witch herself would be hurt because invisible particles she had sent to afflict the girls remained in the girls' urine, and her cries of pain when the dog ate the cake would identify her as the witch."
Conclusion
Thanks to the hard work of the early settlers, America continues to be primarily witch-free. I would also feel prosecutors of today have a lot to learn from these trials, as they were able to convict 26 of 26 people making it into a formal trial.
Enjoy your weekend!!!
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Sharing Is Caring
This week, I have brought 4 web/series of tubes/links for you to put your eyeballs on
Big Think-A website dedicated to bringing information written by hundreds of different "experts" in their given fields. A lot of celebrity types participate.
